Stuck

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Stuck. Utterly, utterly stuck. Someone else holds the cards.

You are the Trump of the heart; incapable, ill-equipped, uncaring, full of misplaced knowledge, power, control and a position you do not deserve to be in. How on earth does this happen?

Why didn’t you stay as you were and not try and be an adult? You are the definition of a ‘man child’. You never fully developed, nor did you seek to. Yet you hooked onto me and tried to pretend you had. You have wasted 7 years of my life.

You should not be in a relationship, you should stay single forever. Don’t damage anyone else. ‘Work’, pay for sex, carry on. How can you be so detached, literal, basic? I really thought you had something different to offer. You clearly did, nothing good though.
Some mistakes are hard to recover from.

One Day, Though Maybe Never.

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I tried. I tried in a way which feels like the word ‘tried’ has worn out and has less value.

I deflect the comments that ‘people give up too easily these days’ and I absorb the words of loved ones who say they wouldn’t have hung around so long. How am I supposed to find the middle balance of those statements?

I tried everything. Adapting, overcoming, asking for help, contorting myself to all the extremities in the hope I could fix it. I ran out of ideas, beyond usual levels of endurance, I tried.

One day, though maybe never, you will understand quite what I put myself through in an effort to keep us together and save our marriage. One day, though maybe never, you will have a glimmer of respect for my levels of endurance – to save Us.

The Pain, Of Starting Again.

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What is step 1?

Where do I go from here?

You can understand that once you made a mistake, a bad choice, an error of judgement – blame it on youth, naivety, a need to get away from your home.

But this? How? How could you make such a big decision, poorly, twice.

It is indescribably disruptive, affecting. Like a poison. You, and this situation has bled into my life; changing the contours of my thoughts, feelings, fun, friendships, work, big decisions, small decisions. The doubt you have created in me has rocked me to my centre.

How did I let this happen?

You are a good actor. Copying others, pretending you knew how to love, how to share, how to express, how to care. Yet so little of what you acted was true, if any. That’s what your condition does to you. The article said you’re incapable of loving, showing care, empathy. You simply don’t have these things in you. Yet I am brimming with all. An abundance, maybe why you were so attracted.

I am hollow, you have left me utterly bare. Empty. I thought you, me, us, was my success story. That I could have a happy marriage. Second time lucky. Surely, it couldn’t go wrong twice?

Apparently not. You made me ill, you made me contemplate leaving here forever. You pushed me to the brink and beyond. You will never know how hard you are to be around.

How I tried everything to make you happy. Too much. You took all of me. There is very little left. I am running on air, fumes.

Leave me be and let’s move on.

Jewellery Graveyard

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Such beautiful pieces, once so cherished. Now stare back at me, little tokens of failures. Sometimes they are always waving, laughing, jesting.

That little place in Greece, the vintage place near our old home, the characters who run it, the walk we took on our last night of that first holiday.

Memories of where these little symbols of love were gifted and collected and treated. A whole fucking box of memories. Elderly loved ones who have passed on and left colourful gems to be remembered by. Even a bracelet my Dad gave my Mum when they were young, they’re not together anymore, yet the metal lives on. A subtle and constant reminder of a love in days gone by.

We can sort the legal bit and go our separate ways, the emotional side will scar for sure. But I’m left with these metal circles and shiny bits, supposedly everlasting with eternal shapes. For they remind me of you, of what we signed up for. Our contract of love was supposed to last so much longer than this. I thought I would wear those rings forever. Our little secret wedding, just for us. ‘Mutual weirdness forever’. That was the contract, that is what we agreed.

But now I am left with this jewellery graveyard. Too loaded to re-home, too precious to part with, yet will never be worn again and are of no value to anyone else. A last blast of defiance; a man will never buy me jewellery again, I will buy my own from now on, then we will never have to do this again.

You will be moved soon, for I can’t look at you each day, it’s a cycle that makes me so sad. For now, that is how it has to be.

Tip of My Tongue; Just Out of Reach

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This evening I was driving home from a dears friends house. My mind started wandering and suddenly it hit me. The word I have been struggling to find for a few weeks, it’s been on the tip of my tongue, just out of reach. When people ask how you are but you can’t articulate it or find the right words. Now I know.

Denied.

I feel denied. Denied a happy relationship. Denied an adult relationship. Denied the opportunity for my loving to have been worth something. Denied the chance to create a cosy new home together. Denied the future that I thought might have been possible. Denied a successful relationship. All the denied. All of the time.

When the word landed in my brain, I cried, like an animal, it wasn’t even a ‘normal’ cry. It was a noise. Maybe a howl. There is an absolutely stunning moon tonight, perhaps that is why.

I don’t often cry at maybe the more ‘usual’ things. I cry when I am sad and can’t work out why, I cry when I am tired or hormonal. But mostly, I cry when I am so filled with joy that my body just starts to leak from my eyes; when I am touched. At beautiful things. But tonight I cried a desperate, heart-breaking animal cry. It was sheer pain and hurt.

I feel totally denied of all that I thought my relationship could be, would be, might be, on a good day, if he was in a good mood…

I am so angry and sad and feel so cheated.

This is what I have been struggling to put my finger on. What the hell do I do next?