Stuck

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Stuck. Utterly, utterly stuck. Someone else holds the cards.

You are the Trump of the heart; incapable, ill-equipped, uncaring, full of misplaced knowledge, power, control and a position you do not deserve to be in. How on earth does this happen?

Why didn’t you stay as you were and not try and be an adult? You are the definition of a ‘man child’. You never fully developed, nor did you seek to. Yet you hooked onto me and tried to pretend you had. You have wasted 7 years of my life.

You should not be in a relationship, you should stay single forever. Don’t damage anyone else. ‘Work’, pay for sex, carry on. How can you be so detached, literal, basic? I really thought you had something different to offer. You clearly did, nothing good though.
Some mistakes are hard to recover from.

One Day, Though Maybe Never.

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I tried. I tried in a way which feels like the word ‘tried’ has worn out and has less value.

I deflect the comments that ‘people give up too easily these days’ and I absorb the words of loved ones who say they wouldn’t have hung around so long. How am I supposed to find the middle balance of those statements?

I tried everything. Adapting, overcoming, asking for help, contorting myself to all the extremities in the hope I could fix it. I ran out of ideas, beyond usual levels of endurance, I tried.

One day, though maybe never, you will understand quite what I put myself through in an effort to keep us together and save our marriage. One day, though maybe never, you will have a glimmer of respect for my levels of endurance – to save Us.

The Pain, Of Starting Again.

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What is step 1?

Where do I go from here?

You can understand that once you made a mistake, a bad choice, an error of judgement – blame it on youth, naivety, a need to get away from your home.

But this? How? How could you make such a big decision, poorly, twice.

It is indescribably disruptive, affecting. Like a poison. You, and this situation has bled into my life; changing the contours of my thoughts, feelings, fun, friendships, work, big decisions, small decisions. The doubt you have created in me has rocked me to my centre.

How did I let this happen?

You are a good actor. Copying others, pretending you knew how to love, how to share, how to express, how to care. Yet so little of what you acted was true, if any. That’s what your condition does to you. The article said you’re incapable of loving, showing care, empathy. You simply don’t have these things in you. Yet I am brimming with all. An abundance, maybe why you were so attracted.

I am hollow, you have left me utterly bare. Empty. I thought you, me, us, was my success story. That I could have a happy marriage. Second time lucky. Surely, it couldn’t go wrong twice?

Apparently not. You made me ill, you made me contemplate leaving here forever. You pushed me to the brink and beyond. You will never know how hard you are to be around.

How I tried everything to make you happy. Too much. You took all of me. There is very little left. I am running on air, fumes.

Leave me be and let’s move on.

Losing Friendship

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I’m mad at you for not seeing me. You couldn’t see that I was changing. You couldn’t accept I wanted it, you only blamed someone else. You only saw someone else, you only saw him changing. But you couldn’t see it was me.

We had everything. We were everything. You could tell me things, and I could tell you things. We were everything. But, somewhere we got lost. I outgrew you as you got more lost. I was lost and you held me up. You caught me and knew how not to yell at me for you knew I would retreat. I betrayed you and you still stood by me and waited for me and let me understand for myself why I was broken, instead of convicting me for it. But then you stopped and you yelled at me and accused me. Telling me it would be a long way to fall. I had already fallen, babe. I had already fallen and you were there. You were there to catch me but this time you didn’t, you couldn’t. You couldn’t see that I was changing. I am only going up now and you are not ready to follow. You are not ready to follow because you haven’t fallen. You are lost, but you haven’t fallen. You still have your dignity, your pride, your skin. You still have it.

One day we will be together again, but my time has run out now. My time has run out and I can no longer be loyal to those who are doing nothing. Those who are still lost. And especially those who cannot see me, and who yell at me and tell me what to do. You became that. You became the person who yelled at me and instructed me on how I should behave. You couldn’t see me for what I wanted or how much I wanted change, needed change. I was just existing, just existing in the same old world of nothingness and emptiness. But most importantly you couldn’t see me anymore. You couldn’t tell I was different. Or maybe, maybe you didn’t want to. Or maybe, maybe you couldn’t because you can’t. You don’t get it. You don’t get it because you haven’t fallen and you don’t get it because you just don’t see what I see. I don’t believe that though, because we always use to see the same? So I just don’t know what happened, what changed? Why did you yell at me?

Are you afraid I am changing for him, because of your own past mishaps? What does it matter anyway, if he is helping me better? I am with him and I am changing, but I am not changing for him. I am changing for me, because I need this. I need this so badly for myself. He just happens to be there helping.

I wish you didn’t yell at me for I wanted you to come. But you can’t, not until you’re ready.