I Am Nothing But Something To You

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I am nothing to you until I have children. Sometimes you make me feel like a chore. Is this the world you want for me? No wonder I could feel objectified, because that’s how you are with me. Cart me round in your fantasy but without actually seeing me. You know very little about who I am, how fragile I can be. You don’t see it, all you see is your own views of me.

You don’t encourage me when I tell you I want to do something big, you tell me it’s a lot of work and money. Yet, if my brother or boyfriend want to, then they get your support? Why? Because all you want me to do is have children so that you can be a grandma and tell all your friends that your story is complete. Well guess what? Fuck your fantasies and start listening to me, to mine.

Dare I dream of a world where I can come run crying to you, for that would be a killing hope. I learnt very young that you don’t know how to hold me. You wonder how I can be so dismissive towards you – it’s because you were to me. Where do you think I learnt it? Children don’t just imagine up dismissive behaviour, they learn it. It’s taken me years to listen to my body and understand why I felt this way towards you, and why it’s not my fault, and why I shouldn’t carry around guilt for feeling it. Now I see it so clearly that it’s always been this way, and it’s not me exaggerating. I am an adult and you can still affect me with your ways. I am an adult, trying to be somebody, and you can still make me feel like I’m just some thing.

You must be deeply unhappy under all of that, even though you won’t be aware; masked it for so many years. I was. I did. Another thing you taught me – how to search for happiness in all the wrong places. I can’t blame you for that part I guess, since you don’t know the answers. But you should still see me, care for me, show love for me. Listen to me, listen to what I tell you, show you, feel.

Well that part is over now, because you have lost your hope. You’ve confirmed for me that it is how it is for a reason, but it can’t be any other way. The difference now is that I can see it. I can see through all of it, and I just need to accept it and find ways to manage it. You.

I am more than what you make me, and I’ll be more than you could dream for me too.

 

 

My Struggle Within

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What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to make you not love me anymore? Why don’t you care? How could you abandon me?

These are the questions that I ask myself all day long, but the truth is I didn’t do anything, you never loved me – not really. I was never good enough for you, I was too independent for your liking. I reminded you too much of yourself and you didn’t like that. And when I started to want a life outside of you and your husband, that was the last straw for you. That’s when you both let the façade fall, so slowly at first that I didn’t notice and then you let it go entirely and we’ve ended up here.

At first, I was lost and confused – and in a way I still am – I couldn’t understand why you abandoned me, what I had done to drive you to make such a decision. I sunk further into the darkness that I had only just begun to dig myself out of.

But then I realised that it wasn’t me. It was all you. You’re the one who can’t get over past events, you’re the one who called me my father’s daughter in an attempt to wound me. But it only stoked the fire of independence burning inside of me.

I began to wonder how dare you do this to me? All I ever did was try to make you happy, my life revolved around you for 16 years. Now I see that was a waste of my time, I should have put my energy to better use. I shouldn’t have this many regrets at this stage in my life, after all, I was only a child back then – I wasn’t to know any better.

For so long I’ve blamed myself, wondered if I could have done something differently to make you stay, wondered what I did wrong, wondered what it was about myself that made you leave. But I’ve come to realise that it’s not me at all, it’s you. It always has been, right from the start.

You’ve systematically tried to separate me from the family, you’ve even turned my own brother against me. But what you don’t realise is that you’ve alienated everyone else in the process. You tried to isolate me and only succeeded in pushing me towards the people who really care about me.

And yeah, I’m lonely and struggling but I won’t let you win – because I’m a survivor.

Irresponsible Avoidance Parenting

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Why did you have us if you weren’t going to care? Was it just so you could become the image? Or did you really want us but you just didn’t know how to split your time? Didn’t know how much effort it would take?

It’s okay for me now, because I have figured out enough on my own. But what about him – he thinks he’s enjoying life but he doesn’t know how much he’s missing. He’s barely even opened the box. You’ve kept him there without even knowing you were, or what you were doing to both of us by not giving us boundaries. Not giving us boundaries meant for me I was always looking for them and for him, he could just carry on with his own self-indulgent existence. You have to ask him, nag him, demand him to take out the recycling for one time only and it’s the biggest inconvenience to him and his routinely planned evening. The recycling, for fuck’s sake. And you don’t even ask him, I do. Ask him to wash the dishes after dinner and he’ll huff and say he’ll do it when he’s ready. Ask him to wash the bathroom and he’ll say he can’t see dirt, even though the place is ridden with mould; green, black, and white mould. What the fuck? Why do you let him live that way? Why did you let me live that way? I’m not supposed to be the one instructing the rules onto a 30-year-old child.

He has a problem and I told you three years ago and I thought you listened to me because you nodded your head at me as if you knew I was right and you said ‘yeah, I know, I know’. But you didn’t want to know. You know there’s a problem but you’re avoiding it just like you avoid everything. Avoid deep conversations, that as it turns out could have been beneficial to me when I was too young to recognize that other children were getting maybe more information than I was. I had to figure it out on my own. Alone.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on you. Maybe my memory is playing tricks on me and you were there and you did tell me things, but I’ve just blanked it from my memory. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I’m making out. Maybe I am the guilty one. The one who needed you too much, was too fragile and needy that I couldn’t cope without you and you just had too much other stuff to do, so your capacity was all you could give but mine was still too empty; because I was needing too much.

Or maybe you just weren’t there. And now, years later I tell you I’m in counselling for cocaine, ecstasy, and one night stands, and you tell me not to be too high maintenance or my new saviour boyfriend might grow tired of me.

Losing Friendship

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I’m mad at you for not seeing me. You couldn’t see that I was changing. You couldn’t accept I wanted it, you only blamed someone else. You only saw someone else, you only saw him changing. But you couldn’t see it was me.

We had everything. We were everything. You could tell me things, and I could tell you things. We were everything. But, somewhere we got lost. I outgrew you as you got more lost. I was lost and you held me up. You caught me and knew how not to yell at me for you knew I would retreat. I betrayed you and you still stood by me and waited for me and let me understand for myself why I was broken, instead of convicting me for it. But then you stopped and you yelled at me and accused me. Telling me it would be a long way to fall. I had already fallen, babe. I had already fallen and you were there. You were there to catch me but this time you didn’t, you couldn’t. You couldn’t see that I was changing. I am only going up now and you are not ready to follow. You are not ready to follow because you haven’t fallen. You are lost, but you haven’t fallen. You still have your dignity, your pride, your skin. You still have it.

One day we will be together again, but my time has run out now. My time has run out and I can no longer be loyal to those who are doing nothing. Those who are still lost. And especially those who cannot see me, and who yell at me and tell me what to do. You became that. You became the person who yelled at me and instructed me on how I should behave. You couldn’t see me for what I wanted or how much I wanted change, needed change. I was just existing, just existing in the same old world of nothingness and emptiness. But most importantly you couldn’t see me anymore. You couldn’t tell I was different. Or maybe, maybe you didn’t want to. Or maybe, maybe you couldn’t because you can’t. You don’t get it. You don’t get it because you haven’t fallen and you don’t get it because you just don’t see what I see. I don’t believe that though, because we always use to see the same? So I just don’t know what happened, what changed? Why did you yell at me?

Are you afraid I am changing for him, because of your own past mishaps? What does it matter anyway, if he is helping me better? I am with him and I am changing, but I am not changing for him. I am changing for me, because I need this. I need this so badly for myself. He just happens to be there helping.

I wish you didn’t yell at me for I wanted you to come. But you can’t, not until you’re ready.

Why We Can’t ‘Do Dinner’

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I’m sorry we can’t have dinner. No, it’s nothing you have done. You don’t see what I see anymore. Well, I don’t see what you see. I see clearer now and what I see in that world is nothingness.

We can’t have dinner because I am more disciplined with my time. We can’t have dinner because you do drugs. We can’t have dinner because you were there when I was not me, and you represent everything in that world. We can’t have dinner because you’re leaving – that’s not an excuse to meet up and eat food and talk about how well I’m doing at making a change and how much you’re looking forward to going home. I already know that, so why do we need to meet and confirm it? I know you’re going to ask me about everything too; everyone is asking, wondering, what the hell I am playing at? You’re worried and that’s nice, but don’t be. Worry about yourself. We can’t have dinner because if we did I wouldn’t be changing. You would be sucking me back into the meaningless that I am trying to escape. We can’t have dinner because I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to see the version of you that smiles at me when I arrive and asks me if I had a good day. Those things are normal, I know. But it’s the weight behind it that isn’t. Why don’t you look at me as if I can rely on you, lean on you, be supported by you. It sounds irrational but it’s only reflective of how little you know and can handle. Why can’t you write me an email? Why can’t you tell me you’re hurting because your boyfriend isn’t good enough but you hurt because you wanted him. Why can’t you ask me how counselling is going?

Yes, you asked me for a walk instead. That’s better than dinner, you’re correct. But I still don’t have time. I still don’t have time for you if you can’t tell me something real. Tell me something real, I beg you. I know you’re good inside, I know you are. I know you’re just as sensitive as I am, just as lost as I was, just trying to get by. I know because you helped me get there. You helped me lose myself and at the time it was what I wanted, how I coped, but I can’t do it anymore. Ask me something real so that I can let you back in. I know you’re good and I wish you well. But please see someone. Please see someone so you can understand why you’re doing all these things, and so someday we can be friends again. I love you, but farewell.

Absent Parenting

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How would you know that I hadn’t been well? How would you know I am good at what I do? How would you know what my drink of choice is? How would you know I love swimming in the sea? How would you know I don’t like sand? How would you know you don’t need to worry about bailing me out? How would you know how adventurous I am? How would you know I can stand up for myself if I need to? How would you know that I can read social cues and not force myself on people? How would you know that people actually want me around? How would you know that I am the happiest I have ever been? How would you know how low I was before? How would you know that I asked for guidance to let you go? How would you know that I was always convinced I wasn’t part of you? How would you know I’ve never felt loved by you? How would you know the hardest bits that I have endured? How would you know what a rainbow of people I have in my life? How would you know I am not embarrassed by the things you are? How would you know I was brave enough to make this move? How would you know that I had saved and planned hard for this chapter?

How would you know all of these things?

For you have never asked. You have never listened. You have never shown interest. You have never shown you care or made me feel loved.

My doubts are born from you, all my niggles and hang-ups are from your voice over my shoulder. I’ve been scared, I’ve skirted along the bottom, I’ve stared the worst in the face. Life is beautiful, exciting, challenging, terrifying, the biggest lesson of all – each and every day. But it has to be lived, because it is fleeting and can be over in a flash. It must be savoured and every day you must find joy in something – whether that is a nice chat, a free parking space or a new little flower in bloom. For you are missing out on all of this, so coiled you are in your worries, fears and judgements.

Please don’t bother trying now; what you have to offer isn’t what I need and what I needed from you once upon a time, I no longer need. You don’t have it, I found it elsewhere. The most wonderful bunch of humans I love dearly have each offered me a puzzle piece, which put together fills the void you should have once stood in. You have missed out on so much; I am pretty decent, yet you have always focused on my failings or the worse-case scenario. I am exhausted by you, by thinking about you; you drain the life out of me. I don’t want to see you. I wish you well, I want you to find your own happiness.